So here I am on my day off once again in thought and trying to sort all of them out.
The biggest of all thoughts is the fact that although I am still married (on paper only), for the last 7 months or so I have been very, very single and this shyt is getting on my nerves. Or rather I am pass being sick and tired of not having someone to talk to or share my free time (when I have it) with.
I eat alone, watch movies alone, sleep alone, walk alone, and talk to my damn self most of the time. Funny though when I was still living with my wife they (women) were all in my face and on my phone. I guess the thought of sneaking around was good for them. I guess the thought of knowing they could send me home at any time gave them some sort of control over the situation. I don’t know. Hell I bet they didn’t either.
I even had a few start hysterically (or damn close to) crying on the phone because as they said it “You deserve to be loved and with someone who wants to be with you” because I told them that I knew this marriage was over. Some of them said we would be okay but, I knew without a doubt we were over.
Even though my daughter lives here, she is on her hustle so we rarely see each other and when we do a good portion of that is shared with her friend who lives here too. And the majority of that they spend back in her bedroom.
Now you might be saying “Why you let her friend live there”? Or some shyt like that. Let me tell you why. The main reason I did this was for my daughter but, more importantly because I don’t want to see no child with no place to lay their head. I have experienced house hopping and that shyt ain’t fun and it can have some serious negative effects on progress or at least trying to. And this was my daughters friend. But, this is not about them.
I have tried to deal with this the best way I know how. One way is by working the night shift. Because I sleep alone I am up most of the time. So instead of letting a empty bed get to me why not work? I have even told myself “Well you spoke a new life and this is part of that process”. But, you know I don’t really believe that. It’s put some serious sugar on some shyt that to be quite frank and honest hurts like hell.
Sure I could easily try to reconcile with my wife but, I feel like this if a 36 year connection was not strong enough to keep a 12 year marriage together, why go through the pain and agony again or even any longer? And somewhere inside I think we did better as a on and off could more than we did as husband and wife. See when we were that on & off couple it wasn’t complex. But, once we got married…everything was an issue or became an issue at some point.
I remember that one time we went to marriage counseling. It was with the minister that married us and his wife and I will never forget her saying “He does everything and I can’t do nothing”. Now that came as a shock because in my mind I could not imagine any women complaining about her man handling his business and making her and the children were straight the best way he could. I mean it wasn’t like she couldn’t do anything and more importantly I expressed to her for all she does for us she should treat herself the same way.
Like the time I gave her $1000.00 and said “Do not spend this on anything but, yourself”. “Do not buy the children anything, do not pay any bills”. “I will take care of all that”. You know what she did…right? She ended up doing what I asked her not to do. And that shyt hurt. Here I was trying to show her just how much I recognize the value of all she does for us (and it wasn’t any holiday or anything) and she trashes the thought behind the act and even the gesture. And as much as women cry about what their man don’t do I wanted her to see I would do it.
So she make that complaint (because he kindly opened up with complaints first) and yes I am shocked to hear her say it but, the bigger shock is when this guy looks at me and says “Well maybe you are doing too much”. My damn jaw hit the floor because here I am hearing another man tell me I shouldn’t provide for my family. Now make no mistake I never intended for her to feel like she couldn’t do anything like pay a bill or buy the children anything or whatever but, I wanted her to know she didn’t have to worry about that because as her husband I had that covered. And once again I say what women wouldn’t want the luxury?
I mean after that…the writing was on the wall to me. This was technically not a marriage where two became one, it was a competition to see who could do the most. That I didn’t have time for. I mean here I was making more than her even at my lowest pay rate, semi-connected to the right people when I needed to get something done and even treat the family sometimes and she had her daddy secretly padding her pockets on top of the money she made from her job. Finding that out was another shocker too. But, when I think back on that, I feel we got too close to that minister and his family and truth be told his tie was closer to her (because of the church denomination) than it was to me simply as a man understanding another man’s position.
Anyway after years of faking it I had to accept it was done. That is not easy on any level but, I had no choice. But, even as I was in the process of accepting that I found myself praying, speaking, and asking GOD to remove everything that did not need to be in this NEW LIFE I felt I was about to step into. I mean what was I supposed to think? They say in order to receive NEW, you first have to make room by getting rid of the old. And trust I was losing stuff really fast so I had no dog in that fight. I just kept praying, believing, and claiming GOD had something NEW in store for me.
Well here I am in my NEW and let me say I am so in LOVE with it. NEW job that I LOVE doing, surrounded by some NEW family and friends, and living in a NEW place in a really beautiful, peaceful & quiet neighborhood. But, all of this NEW I still find myself quite lonely. Maybe the person that is meant to occupy this NEW space in my heart and life is NEW too. Only GOD knows and until such time I guess I continue to roll with it.
Until next time…